allforhisgreaterglory:

psychoticpingouins:

48 years ago a girl said “oh fuck me” to her best friend while walking in the street, a guy who randomly passed by answered by “let me at least buy you dinner first”. I present to you my grandparents, in love since then and celebrating their 47 years of marriage today.

grandpa got game

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giveamanagame:

captainjamestklrk:

MY BIRD IS SITTING IN THE TOP CORNER OF HER CAGE CALLING MY DOG’S NAME AND ASKING IF HE WANTS A TREAT AND IF HE WANTS TO GO TO OUTSIDE AND HE’S TOO STUPID TO REALIZE IT’S HER SO EVERYTIME SHE SAYS SOMETHING HE LOOKS AT ME LIKE

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SHE LAUGHS EVERYTIME TOO AND NOW HE’S JUMPING ON ME AND BARKING AND GETTING MAD AT ME LIKE OLIVER TURN AROUND AND LOOK IN THAT HUGE ASS CAGE AND BEG HER FOR A FUCKING TREAT OR SOMETHING. 

your bird is an asshole

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tennants-hair:

horcrux-of-the-superwholocked:

tennants-hair:

have I told you about that time in 5th grade when my school had a blackout and I whispered ”lumos” and the lights came back on

because I just

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You were 11 in 5th grade, yes?

HOLY MOTHER OF-

I KNEW IT FUCK YEAH MY LETTER JUST GOT LOST

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  • 1 month ago
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chromeofficial:

ma’am when i said freestyle i did not mean rap. this is a swimming competition please turn down the beat. ma’am.

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einsteinrosenbridges:

a moment of silence for all the kids on the hogwarts express who wanted to buy something off the trolley but couldn’t because some 11 year old bought literally everything

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  • 1 month ago
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  • #So happy #Beckii Cruel #Poster #Yay!
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Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me
Woop woop

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  • #Turpy53 #me #birthday #Yay
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teamrocketing:

*knocks you out with a calculator* bet you weren’t counting on that

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slayboybunny:

heres a fun fact that shows a lot about me: im pretty allergic to bananas but didn’t know it at all growing up until one day when i was like 17 i was like “man, i love bananas. theyre always so tangy and make ur mouth all tingly” and my friend was like “thats. definitley not what a banana is supposed to be like” one doctors trip later, turns out im fucking allergic to bananas.  

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kylesbogusjourney:

activatewindows:

kylesbogusjourney:

WHAT IF MY COLORS ARE DIFFERENT THAN YOUR COLORS

They are, because people having varying numbers of Rods and cones in their eyes, it causes people to see colours differently.

Also there is a theory that everyone sees, for example, the colour red differently eg Red=yellow, but because we’ve been taught that, that specific colour is red, no one knows if everyone is seeing the same colour as another person.

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veganbutt:

darkwater-smidge:

So I learned from my friend that coconut water can be used as an emergency blood transfusion, and of course my first thought was “So, can a vampire drink coconut water?”

and of course we had this idea of these tropical vampires being horrified when these old world vampires come and are still drinking blood like some sort of monster.

guys oh my god
VEGAN VAMPIRES

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inabasket:

My mom talked in her sleep a lot when I was in high school. I could usually hold an entire conversation with her while she was sleeping.

Once I heard her mumble, “I know everything.”

I told her she didn’t know algebra, and she assured me she did.

So I asked, “What’s a polynomial?”

And with the authority of a thousand professors, she stated, “It’s when there’s no toy in your Happy Meal.”

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